||[Fri Jan 2009 at 2:13pm]
Your best friend is not your boyfriend.
the alcohol is scented with his breath.
he's got white powder on his nose.
crush another adderall for me baby.
lets destroy eachother.
|Love never wanted me.
||[Sun Oct 2008 at 6:03pm]
If you can't hold yourself together why should I hold you now?- Anberlin
I can't hold myself together. It's just a vicious cycle, I get into school, I pick the wrong people to hang out with, I start a relationship with a boy, I screw them, I do everything they want me to do, and I end up feeling empty.
I've lost a friend, who was dear to me. She doesn't show any interest in me anymore. I really thought she was going to be the like "one". the one that would be like a maid of honor or something (that is if i ever get my shit together and find a decent guy to marry).
I have no job, I have no money. I have nothing. Nothing except a close few friends.
I'm not over the guy that used to beat the living shit out of me, he has a new girlfriend with pink and blonde hair. I want pink and blonde hair. I'll never be enough. I can't convince myself i'm worth something. For some reason it hurts so bad that he's happy and i'm not. I haven't been truly happy since my 9th birthday. I don't know what happened but i just have a darkness around me. My friend used to keep the darkness out, but she's gone. I can't repair what has happened. I'm just going to learn how to live alone.
I don't know what i want in life. I want friends. I want people to know who I am and accept it. I'm tired of pretending to be someone else. I'm tired of living my life for others and especially for Jesus. I'm sick of my parents shoving shit down my throat telling me if i don't go to a bible study i can't live at home. What the fuck is the bible going to do for me? it'll just make me hate myself even more. I hate what i've become. I don't know why people stay with me and put up with my shit. I think i'm bipolar, some days i want to end it. I've started cutting again, emo i know, but it helps. I'm sick of feelin the pain of everyday and wish it would stop. I'm tired of knowing i'll never be loved.
I just need to get out of this house. Then i can drink and smoke away all my pain.
"What if tomorrow never comes
how will i know you loved me?
I just need something to live for
so I'll never die again."
|So I looked up my name...
||[Sun Jul 2008 at 12:59pm]
in Urban Dictionary.com:
1. A very sexy, sophisticated women. Someone that knows what they want and can get it. Can also mean a sophisticated bitch.
Wow, Emily is such a Stephanie.
Could Racheal get anymore Stephanie?
2. A girl who is more addictive than crack and internet porno combined.
I can't get enough of that Stephanie.
3. Stephanie is, to say the least, an incredible girl. She is an immediate soul mate, before you even have the time to realize it. She is gorgeous, but still stands out from the other pretty girls. She has a sense of humor that never dissapoints or keeps you from laughing. She has this aura about her that no one else could ever have. She carries herself with grace worthy of Grace Kelly herself. Stephanie is loving, unique, and maybe even a bit quirky; but its in a cool addictive way. Once you meet a real Stephanie, don't ever let go.
ex. Stephanie I promise I will never let go.
ex 2. Stephanie is damn fine/chill
These are only a few.
||[Fri Jul 2008 at 6:36pm]
Things have been crazy lately. I met someone who is so into me and I have no idea why. Like he's actually really NICE. And I'm terrified...I've never had these things done for me before. He'll willingly come pick me up from my house, opens doors, listens, and calls when he says he'll call.
He's one of the most caring, sensitive, down to earth persons I've ever met. But the thing is, I just don't know. I don't know if I'm ready...or if I'm just tricking myself into liking someone because they like me. I'm feeling really uneasy right now and I don't quite know what to do.
He's such a strong person, who's gone through a lot of shit like I have, but I just don't know. It's scary how much we can relate and how long we can talk. I could sit there listening to him for hours and he'd do the same. I'm so scared...I don't want to be hurt again but most of all I don't want to hurt him. He's such a beautiful soul, thinking about him makes me so happy but I'm also so afraid.
I just want to be able to allow myself to let someone love me. Seriously I want him to. But I'm holding myself back. He's so good, doing all the right things, having a strong relationship with god, doesn't drink or smoke, finds joy in the smallest things, finds joy in ME??!!?? I just can't fathom it.
I'll go along with it. I need to allow myself to love. And Korey could be the one who finally breaks my stone heart. I'm not going to be a rock of no emotion anymore. I'm letting it go.
My palms were sweating
And my heart grew big
My leg was shaking.
How badly I wanted you with me.
You came to me
And said this could be something
I'll take something over nothing
What's with me
And the way that I've been lately?
What's with you
And the way you make me feel?
I'll leave you with lyrics that have been on my mind and kind of describe my heart right now. Music speaks to me when I can't find the words myself.
The first star I see may not be a star.
We can't do a thing but wait.
So let's wait for one more.
The time such clumsy time in deciding if it's time.
I'm careful but not sure how it goes.
You can loose yourself in your courage.
The mindless comfort grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.
This is what she says gets her through it: 'If I don't let myself be happy now then when?' If not now when?
When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes around again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?
Close my eyes and and believe wherever you are, an angel for me.
We'll see what the future holds...
||[Tue Jul 2008 at 12:46pm]
I can't get these lyrics out of my head!
They are just perfect for right now.
What’s the day?” “What are you doing?” “How’s your food?” “How’s that
song?” Man it passes right by me its behind me now its gone. I cant lift
you up cause my mind is tired, its family beaches that I desire. That
sacred night where we watched the fireworks. They frightened the babies
and you know they’ve got two flashing eyes and if they are color blind,
they make me feel, that you’re only what I see sometimes."
Last night was perfection. Met a new friend...smoked weed under the stars and listened to bull frogs. He's by far the coolest person ever. I've honestly never met someone so genuine. I'm really excited to have a good guy in my life. Lately I've just been plagued with guys that only want sex and nothing else.
I guess you could say last night was fireworks.
I'm still comin' down.